14 Months Ago

14 months ago my dad died ... 14 months ago my quiet times with Jesus were buried with him. I remember someone whom I love screaming at me in tears and pain late the night before I preached his funeral, "Where was your fu$%in' Jesus when he put the noose around his neck...where was he Judy!?!?" I had all the right answers for him that would have made all of my current and past spiritual mentors proud. But deep inside, I really wasn't smokin' what I was sellin,' as Rob Bell would say. I didn't get it anymore than he did. All the "right" answers, while right and true, didn't help...not even kinda...not even a little bit.

For the last 14 months I've done a lot of great things FOR God and read a lot of great books ABOUT God, but didn't have it in me to read GOD'S WORD for myself. You might be thinkin', are you telling me you haven't cracked the Bible in 14 months? Nope, not for myself anyway, not once...I did for some messages and Sunday School lessons, but I'm not sure that counts. It took the difficulties of last month to come to the end of myself, at least I think I'm there. Have I prayed? Yep...good Christian prayers, saying the words I know to say. I tried to do what I knew to do despite how I felt (that's what I've always taught), but it wasn't working so good for me.

As I posted, the last week my office has been like a revolving door late into the night, students coming in and chillin' in my office just to talk. (While I may not have cracked my Bible, I have become a better listener and question asker...most days). A couple of times, while they were talking and I heard myself give some great "Godly" advice, my mind swirled elsewhere. Believe it or not, it was a prayer..."God help me not to be the poser I currently feel that I am." So, with resolve, I've been spending time with Jesus each day. The first two were like trying to kick myself out of the grave, but tonight the wall I built around my heart began to crack.

Here's what I was reminded of in James this week so far...

Consider it pure joy my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. (When I read that, I didn't find it fun, funny or even inspiring...I wasn't off to a good start)

If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. (found comfort in that, so I asked God for it)

But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. (totally could relate, felt pretty battered)

But each one is tempted when, by his own evil desires, he is dragged away and enticed.

Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.

Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires. (when you're not right with God, you jump to anger much quicker)

Do not merely listen to the Word, and so deceive yourselfs. Do what it says. (hmmm, great advice, easier said than done by far)

If anyone considers himself religious and yet doesn not keep a tight rein on his tongue, he deceives himself and his religion is worthless. (big statement)

Don't show favoritism (period)

Has not God chosen those who are poor in the eyes of the world to be rich in faith and to inherit the kingdom he promised those who love him?

Mercy triumphs over judgment!

What good is it, my brother, if a man claims to have faith but has no deeds? Can such faith save him?

Was not our ancestor Abraham considered righteous for what he did when he offered his son Isaac on the altar?

"Abraham believed God, and it was credited to him as righteousness," and he was called God's friend. (How cool would that be! I hate the song "I am a friend of God." Each time it makes me think, am I?...would He really call me that?" I guess you can sing it in hope and faith.)

We all stumble in many ways. (what an understatement)

It (the tongue) corrupts the whole person, sets the whole course of his life on fire... (take junk thoughts captive, do not let them come out of my mouth)

The very moment you separate body and spirit, you end up with a corpse. Separate faith and works and you get the same thing: a corpse. (I had the works down the last year, didn't do so well on the faith...felt pretty dead, thus pretty true statement)

Who is wise and understanding among you? Let him show it by his good life, by deeds done in the humility that comes from wisdom. But if you harbor bitter envy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast about it or DENY the truth. (I always caught the don't boast about it, but not sure I ever caught the "or deny the truth." While not sure it pertains to bitter envy or selfish ambition, this verse reminds me about how confessing things out loud disarms them...probably why I published this post).