Dad's House

My sister called and told me we got an offer on my dad's house today. Pray that it goes through! Then, pray that I figure out what to do with all the junk I'm storing in the garage (small stuff considering my brother and sister have had to maintain the house the last seven months). Then, pray it can close without me coming home to Indiana to sign paperwork. It has the potential to close within three weeks.

NYLC 09 - The Deals Have Been Sealed

We are back from our whirlwind trip to Dallas. Here's the stuff the team accomplished...

• Toured both the facility and area. Cedar Hills (just on the boarder of Dallas) is becoming a booming suburb. The outdoor mall areas that will be complete by then are absolutely gorgeous.
• Met with the facility and administration of Trinity and checked on a gazillion details
• Met with the audio/video/lightening guy, Jeff, to figure out exactly what equipment we have to work with
• Ate lunch with their student ministries and MC staff. Great people.
• Double checked the seat count in the auditorium
• Checked the site line from every corner of the auditorium
• Counted every possible parking space
• Took the dimensions of the stage
• Measured the gym and counted the outlets for the vendors
• Got the maps and dimensions of every room available in the main sactuary, childrens building, school and student center - besides the general session, we have six super sessions and 45 breakout session, so we need every room and every chair
• Met with countless sals reps for hotels and set up hotel contracts with a number of them
• Met with some local restaurants
• Stopped at the visitor's info center to establish connection and get free stuff
• Shot footage and pictures of the church and Dallas for promo video
• Established connections with two of the primary audio/media/lighting rental companies

All that and...

Celebrated Alisha's birthday at some Mexican restaurant downtown that was let's say "interesting"

I had the most horrible headache the first night, comparable only to the one I had in the early 90's after the first day of the CPA exam

Got up at 5 a.m. to take Jeanne to the DFW airport to catch a flight to New Mexico. Dallas has to be one of worst airports in all of America to navigate the first time through. We needed to pick up a rental car after we dropped Jeanne off and it took us a half hour to find the place. We followed the signs and kept ending up in the return area. We asked the AVIS person how to get where we needed to go and her words were "Go straight and ignore the 'Do Not Enter' sign and it will take you to the lower lever." Go figure. The good news is that once in the airport it's relatively simple and the flight took off on time.

We laughed a lot. What a great team.

NYLC 09

I'm posting from the Hilton Gardens somewhere in or near Dallas. We scoped out Trinity church today. What an amazing facility. What amazing hosts! When we were choosing a facility (actually in an affluent suburb call Cedar Hills) we knew we wanted three things ...

1. We wanted to be in or near Dallas
2. To have the conference in a church if at all possible
3. The seating capacity needed to be near or over 3,000

Trinity's seating capacity is only around 2,500. While we had another facility lined up over the 3,000 mark, we opted for Trinity. Why? Because of the size of their heart. They want us there ... big, big time and you can feel it. Here's some examples:

1. They are shutting down their Christian school for three days so we can use the entire facility (brand new less than a year old sanctuary, children's building (old sanctuary), school with full gym and original sanctuary (youth building)). I'm sure they will make it line up with some normal spring break in order to make it all happen.
2. Matt, their Master's Commission director, spent the entire afternoon with us making sure we got the tour to beat all tours.
3. Their facilities people are off the hook. They copied floor plans, parking layouts ... you name it. You can tell they are "for" the Kingdom and not "for" making sure things never get messed up (by never getting touched). Big deal. If you don't have facilities on your side, you are not in for a good time.
4. Countless other little things.

It reminds me how VALUABLE it is not only with conference locations, but in life ... TO BE WANTED! Lord, help me be intentional about helping people to feel that as well!

Anyway, besides the Trinity staff, the other amazing notice of my day was our staff. Jordan, Sterling, Jay, Alisha and I joined up with Jeanne today. She was speaking in Dallas at Christ for the Nations and is then heading to New Mexico to speak a gazillion times over the next couple of days. As we were all flying, driving, talking and doing lunch. I couldn't help but stop for the moment and take notice of the "feel" of our team. Words can't adequately express that moment for me. It was a deep sense of love and we are "for" each other. Those words are cheap to say, but are loaded with meaning when done right and well and translated into actions, attitudes, words and deeds. I'm excited for NYLC 09, before it felt like it was in some foggy place a long way off, but now we're rolling.

March 30 - April 1 NYLC 2009 Dallas, TX

Leaving on a jet plane ... at 5 a.m. tomorrow. We're spending three days scoping out Dallas, the home of Jeanne's National Youth Leader's Conference 2009 (March 30 - April 1)

Source and Taxes

Last night at midnight I finished up this month's Source (MOMENT OF TRUTH) and Youth Leader's Coach (HOW TO STAY A CHRISTIAN WHILE DOING MINISTRY). Hands down the hardest Source to date. Normally, they take me two days of my month, this one took me every bit of five. It's an absolutely AMAZING one, but between the bumpy audio I had to keep taking back to the boys to fix and the 25 pages of leader notes, fill-ins, message transcript, drama transcript, human video transcript, discussion questions and leadership lesson ... I could vomit ... no seriously vomit.

Fortunately they have more of an eternal value, but Sources and YLC are like taxes ... hard to do but once you get them done the highlight of your day is dropping them off at the post office/fed ex. I just did a little dance and ate five miniture Reeses in celebration of their send off. May I never listen to those AMAZING little audios ever again.

I Will Care For You As You Care For Others

As Oasis grew, I remember the transition from caring for students to caring for leaders. It was a tough transition for me. I love hanging out with and impacting students; however, me, myself and I (and a few others) were unable to impact as many as I could dream of impacting. So, my role changed over time. While I would have my couple dozen kids who would capture my heart and even some of my time, I had to correct and redirect how I was going to lead. More time needed to be spent investing in leaders than students (almost sounds wrong, doesnt' it?). My mantra in my head (I just came up words to it) would be, I will care for you as you care for others.

That's what the Cadre is all about (and multiplication for that matter). While long distance we can't care to the extent that someone in closer proximity can, we're basically saying ... youth pastor, we will help (of course, hopefully along with their local church...but it doesn't always work that way...good grief, you should hear the stories) care for you as you care for others. Once again, knowing we all need to be loved, cared for and appreciated ... regardless of age, income or status.

When does it get sticky? When someone walks out from your umbrella of ministry. Does that mean you stop loving or caring for them, absolutley not! However, for some it might look different, for others you were meant to "do life," well ... "for life." It's tough isn't it? Relationships ... your relationship with God and your relationships with others ... there is no greater thing in the universe, but my oh my, what a constant wrestling.

Burden of the Lord

Ok, I know that sounds super-spiritual, but I don't know of any other words that best fits a conversation that Jeanne and I had on the way to the Annointing Service for Master's Commission a couple of weeks ago. I've been reflecting on it ever since.

Basically the conversation, in my own words, went something like this ... You can have a phenomenal leader, but if you place him/her over an area they don't necessarily have a "burden of the Lord for" it will be hard for them to thrive (and the people they minister to) . It doesn't mean they won't, it will just be more difficult. For example, if you place a discipleship wired person in more of an evangelistic position ... or if you place a person that best ministers to college students in a middle school position ... it will be difficult.

In some regards, it's the essence of the necessity for shape based ministy, but puts more of finger on what I see as I help work with youth leaders and pastors. It's kind of like the ministry fails to have a heart. It also explains why sometimes I see someone who doesn't have much in the way of a leadership gifting, but they have the heart or the burden of the Lord for an age category or area of ministry. I'll look at them, and in my fleshy judgemental spirit, try to figure out why their group is thriving ... maybe not all it could be ... but undeniably thriving nonetheless. Ideally you want the heart and the leadership. I'm not sure which is more important, but I've found leadership I can teach, heart I cannot.

Bucket List

For our Prestige and Litmus Cadre conference calls last Thursday, we were on the line with Earl Creps. His topic was "The Bucket List: Things I wish I had known about ministry when I was young." He was brilliant and made me start to think, "What would my bucket list include?" Some serious thoughts popped into my head, like "Statistics impact the brain, stories impact the heart. Remember to capture and retell the story." One funny thought was, "If a kid in your ministry cuts their toe off (or any other body part), don't forget to put it on ice." What's on your bucket list? ... Great question, isn't it?

Youth Ministry ... No Greater Job in the World

This year I have seen an incredible amount of transition ... great, wonderful, amazing, hard, challenging transition that has resulted in me absolutely loving the south. Because of the amount of time spent taking care of youth pastors and learning a new job/area/systems/culture, less was spent on taking care of MC students and middle school kids. While that won't change considerably, now that I've got the job/area/systems/culture relatively figured out, I will definitely achieve a better balance. However, as I was reminded in a text today, you and I are still preaching even if we get the opportunity to share very few words.

One of my favorite female MC students this past year texted me today...
"I just want you to know that there were a few key people this year that made a huge impact on my life ... not by talking to me or any of that but by me watching the integrity and character they had from a distance that made me want to be better ... and by far you were on of those people. Thank you for that!"

Another middle school student back in Indiana, whom I love dearly, had a rough weekend. Via email, I was able to share a couple of thoughts on how to deal with someone who wounds you when you can't or are unable to share it face-to-face. I gave this simple advice...

"1. Write down my feelings (just like you did).
2. Pray about it and sleep on it overnight (maybe two nights). Sometimes in anger, frustration and hurt we initially say things harsher than we really want or mean to.
3. Sometimes I will throw the letter away in the morning because I was too emotional the day before. However, if I think I still need to send it, I re-read it and tweak the wording.
4. I ask someone else that I trust and feel has huge amounts of wisdom to read it and get their advice and input.

That's about it. I go through the four step process because words are so powerful (the Bible say they have the power of life and death). Once said, I know they are hard to take back, so it's really important to say them carefully."

I don't know if my few words of advice helped, but when I think about trying to navigate the waters of adolescense alone, my heart breaks.

So, we need to learn as much as we can and share as much as we can (and, a given, pray as much as we can). I will never forget the advice Ginny and Mel gave me about what they learned along the way with their own kids. Ginny said her son would write down what he was feeling when he was angry and fly it down to her in a paper airplane. Mel said she and her daughter kept a journal in a drawer so her daughter could write down her thoughts uniterrupted when she was angry, then Mel would write back ... uniterrupted. What wisdom ... glad they didn't keep it a secret, I've used it a gazillion times when talking with parents.

What a privilege it is to impact the next generation. I don't want to ever take it for granted or do it without intentionality ... even if I only have a few moments.

Sue-Happy World

I'm a news junkie, this just came over the net...

Parents Fear Accompanying Students on Trips After Accidental Death Award

She didn't consider another possible consequence: getting sued.

A nearly $700,000 verdict against a chaperone of a cheerleading trip to Hawaii is enough to give a chaperone pause, said Cleary, of Cincinnati.

"Whether it's a trip to the zoo with the first grade or a trip to China with a group of high school students, there's always an anxiety," she said. "I'm responsible for someone else's child."

Add legal liability to the equation, and, "I definitely think it could impact some people's willingness to chaperone."

The Hawaii verdict came in the case of an 18-year-old high school student who fell to her death from a Maui hotel balcony.

Read the rest of the story here.

Being in youth ministry and living in a "sue-happy" world, it makes me wonder what we need to be doing to protect our youth leaders ... additional training, insurance, age requirement for chaperoning, etc.?

What's My Line

Granger has one of the coolest mission statements ever ... "Helping people take their next step toward Christ ... together." It doesn't get any better or clearer than that. It's so cool, it's fun to see how many churches over the years have borrowed/used it themselves (if you google it, a few pop up). I don't blame them, it's brilliant.

A couple friends and I love to dream, it's good for the soul. They've asked me what I think a great tag line would be for a church. Haven't put much thought into it, but it might look something like this ... "Cultivating Family and Awakening a Passion for Christ." In my mind, both sides of the "and" are loaded ... much easier spoken than achieved. Thanks to Jeanne and Rob, that's my DNA, not sure if it's for a church, but fun to think about.

Texting ... How did we ever live without it :-)

Exactly one year ago I was too cheap to pay for texting because I couldn't see the use. Today, I would find it hard to live without. My guess is that I send and receive about 50 a day (absolutely nothing compared to the average teenager). I am floored by the amount of communication that takes place between conversations, emails, texts and phone calls each day. Sometimes it almost feels like "communication overload." No wonder it's hard for many of us "to be silent before the Lord."

MC Atlanta Graduation 2007-2008

Last night was Grad night for the MC Atlanta 2007-2008 students. What a journey it's been. In some ways, it feels like these students walked in the door yesterday, in other ways it feels like we've been doing life together forever.

I remember the first week they were here, when Jeanne told me how I'd get a kick out of seeing the difference between the day they walked in vs. the day they walked out. She was so right. MC Atlanta is like a character development and leadership microwave. It's a place where you come face to face with yourself and make the choice on whether you want to grow and chip away at the junk in your life. It's a place where you get to have your own mini-youth group in the form of 02 groups and put on elaborate retreats that put most to shame. It's a place where an emphasis on prayer is made every day from 8:30 - 9:30 a.m. It's a place where work ethic is both taught and caught. Above anything else, it's a place where passion is awakened ... a passion for Jesus, family, life and purpose.

It's been a great year ... summer without them will be hard. After the graduation ceremony, we ended the night by going over to Jeanne's to hang out and have communion together at midnight.

God is good ... all the time.

Wow ... A Serious Illness, A Severed Toe And An Indiana Funeral ... What A Whirlwind

So... just to wrap my mind around and record a few things...

Oxygen started at 6:45 p.m. Wednesday night with pre-service prayer as always. I felt like I was having some hard core time with Jesus. Just a few minutes after praying for the kids, ministry and MC students, I think I figured out why....

Ten minutes after service started, at 7:30 p.m, I was pulled out. A friend let me know that one of the kids, who has captured my heart, has a life-threating illness that she will have to live with the rest of her, probably shortened, life. I won't go into details, but big time serious and big time heavy. As I went back into worship, looking at the backs of the heads of my middle school kids, tears came at the thought of the junk some of hem have to go through, some of it of their own doing, most of it not.

Well, after worship, we went to the MC apartments to have a pool party to celebrate the end of the year with the MC students instead of our normal 02 Small Group Night. I am not there 5 minutes when...
Rey says: "Judy, I need you to come here."
Me: "Sure Rey, what's up?"
Rey: "Al cut his toe off."
Me: "Like his toenail, right?"
Rey: "No, his toe."
Me: "Are you serious?"
Rey: "Yes."
Me: "Where is he?"
Rey: "Over here."
Me: After taking a look at it, "Yep, he sure did. Let's get you to the hospital buddy. How did you do that?"
Al: "It got slammed in the bathroom door."
Me: "Where is the toe?"
Al: "In my sock."
Me: "Where's the sock?"
Someone gets Al's sock for him.
Al: "Shoot, it's not there."
Me: "Ok, let's look for your toe."
Desi: "Judy, is that it?" (pointing to this silly putty look piece on the floor)
Me: (after flipping the silly putty over and seeing a toenail) "Yep, that's it."
I gather it up and we head to the hospital.

Rey gets Al in the wheelchair (Al is calm as a cucumber and finds looking at his foot interesting). I hand Logan the toe. They go inside to get checked in while I get the bloody tissue out of my car. I crack up to find that someone had given him a feminine pad to absorb the blood (the blood wasn't actual bad, nothing compared to a head wound). My junior higher self thought that was brilliant and creative, but still giggled about the whole thing. Mental note, it worked much better than tissue.

Al's parents (who are amazing) get there. We hang another hour and they let us know it's cool if we want to go back to the party since the kids are staying overnight. Normally, I wouldn't leave, but considering what the other kids saw, thought that was best.

I go get morning food for the girls, drop it off. Find the girls are doing great. Call Andrew and find the boys are great too. I call Al's mom to see how he is doing and his little sister answers (she's probably around 9).
Me: "Noelle, is your mom there?"
Noelle: "No, she's in the hospital room with Al, but I can go get her."
Me: (Thinking she is probably busy) "No, that's ok. How is your brother?"
Noelle: "He's good. They got the toe all cleaned up and sewed it back on. But then the nurse pushed too hard on it and it popped off."
Me: (Thinking she doesn't have the story right, but find out the next day she did) "That's not good."
Noelle: "Do, you want me to get my mom?"
Me: "No, she's probably busy with your brother. Just tell her I'm thinking about and praying for Al. I'll call back in the morning."
Noelle: "Ok"
We hang up

I hang with the girls until 1 a.m., then say my goodbyes and go back to the apartment to grab my bag to head out to Indiana. Bob (and Karen...some of the most amazing friends in the universe), lost his dad this week. It's been a long couple of weeks for them and I want to show up to the funeral. I couldn't get any flights in that would get me there on time, so we get creative. Mike loads Scott's car up with the stuff he has to take home at the end of the week. Since they will have three vehicles in Atlanta with their parents coming down for graduation, I offer to drive one of the cars home a couple days early. Other than Loretta and Chris, no one knew I was coming. The way Scott's car shakes when you break, I wasn't sure if or when I'd make it.

I get on the road and 1:45 a.m. and need to be in Indiana and showered by 1 p.m. It's an 11 hour drive and I have had no sleep. I drive and make it to Kentucky but have to sleep for a few ... 27 minutes to be exact, of which I jolt awake ever 9 minutes because I think I'm still driving and fell asleep at the wheel.

I get to Indiana at 12:45 p.m. and to the funeral home around 1:45 p.m ... stay for the rest of the viewing, service and dinner afterward. We leave around 7:45 p.m., go and buy me a dress for the graduation ceremony, drop off Scott's car, drop off baby Sarah (who has been chillin with us for a couple of hours) and head to my sisters.

I go to bed at midnight and get up an hour later to drive to Indy to hit the airport to be back in Atlanta by 10:45 a.m.

Some people have said, "Why did you make the drive? That's insane."

My response, "When I left Indiana, I had to decide what relationships I wasn't willing to give up. While there are a few others I try very hard to keep, there are five families that I think God placed in my life to do 'life and death' with. The McFarlands are one of those five families that I will do everything I can to be at the key moments in their lives ... marriages of kids, death of key family members, etc. That's why."

Even after explaining, they have a bewildered look on their face.

While I don't know if I was fully present ALL DAY yesterday because there were moments I could feel my emotional and physical exhaustion from head to toe ... I know I tried.

MC Atlanta 2007-2008

I am so proud and so sad. Tonight we had a closing annointing service for the MC ATL students in Athens. One of the many thoughts that went through my head was, I wish we had one of these every couple of years in Oasis. It was powerful.

It has been absolutely stunning to watch these students grow this year, right before my very eyes. On the way down to Athens, Jeanne and I were talking about the trasformation we've seen of a few in particular. Their stories are off-the-hook.

I'm sad because they leave at the end of the week... some just for the summer, others who are off to college, youth pastor positions, and other adventures, for good. My question to Jeanne tonight was would you ever want to do life without them (a Master's Commission). She said "no way." I would have to agree. After experiencing it over the last nine months, I couldn't imagine it either. It's hard to live up close to 87 people (Jeanne and I talked about that too), but the rewards can't be touched. I have fallen in love with these kids.

A Crazy Week

Wearing a lot of hats this week...

1. YOUTH LEADER'S COACH OPERATIONAL DIRECTOR. I just finished checking the edits the boys made on the latest Source, Recovering My Cutting Edge, and Youth Leader's Coach, Coaching a Pleasure-Driven Youth Culture. As usual, Jeanne's brilliant. However, not so brilliant, is the fact that we only offer them on CD. Our summer goal is go digital with the current and future resources, as well as the 180 back issues (all the way back to 2001). I want to break out the skits and illustrations as well. Honestly, the stuff is amazing but we need to get it out there better. The way I look at these resources is this ... if we can help youth pastors prepare a great service more easily, it frees them up to do the one thing we can't do for them long-distance and that is to get out from behind the desk and go love on their kids.

Jeanne and I are also together tomorrow to come up with a plan of attack on some new resources I think will be helpful to youth pastors.

2. JUNIOR HIGH DIRECTOR. This week is our last small group night with the MC student leaders ... Desi, Rey and I (the "Home" team) for the summer middle school students then take over. So, it's a pool party on Wednesday with the students and the entire MC gang, then the three of us will put our heads together and come up with the summer plan. I'm itching to get more strategic. I think we can do that this summer.

3. CHURCH FINANCIAL ANALYST... at least that's what I call myself. I consider this part of what I do my gift to the church. There was a need and I could fill it. I don't do any of the daily accounting grind, but analyze the data and trends ... and prepare and monitor the budget. I represent the accounting department at the board meetings. I thought I'd totally hate it, but actually totally love it. We've got a fun group of guys on the board (yes, old school, all guys except Jeanne...I am in the south). I've helped to bring some stability to the department, so I've got their favor which is fun. It's kind of a rewarding little side job except for this week. I looked at the numbers so long, my head is swirling ... no seriously, I think I could puke even though I brought good news.

4. NATIONAL YOUTH LEADER'S CONFERENCE CO-EXECUTIVE DIRECTOR WITH JORDAN. It's official the conference will be in DALLAS MARCH 30 - APRIL 1, 2009. The theme is EPICENTER. I am totally stoked that Ed Young will be among the speakers. I am a BIG fan. I've got to do some pre-planning for out scouting trip out there later this month.

(On a side note, I heard a Jentzen Franklin message tonight ... he's amazing! I never heard of the guy before I moved down to the ATL. He's doing a youth confernce in July at the Gwinnett Center with Louie Giglio, Chris Tomlin, Ron Luce, Delirious, Jeremy Camp, John Gray and I think Steve Fee. It's 89 bucks ... I think I should go in the name of research :-)

5. MC ATLANTA. The MC students graduate this week ... all 80 or 90 of them, I always lose count. it's a week long event full of dinners, ceremonies and surprises. I do not have a direct role to play on a daily level, but do play a pretty decent indirect role. Thoughout the year, they've been on at least one, most of them serveral, of the CADRE teams I run. Plus, I took 19 of them on a mission trip to Monterrey, Mexico last month and oversee the eight who help lead in middle school (kinda, I've been pretty pathetic this year, hope to get better). I'm pretty tight with about 1/2 of them, but love them all dearly. Scott and Mike are graduating this week and I'm so stoked to be able to spend time with the entire Infalt family who get in on Thursday.

6. CADRE OPERATIONAL DIRECTOR. The advances are over for the year and all we have left is a couple of conference calls :-( However, we're getting the apps in for a new round of youth pastors. 196 have gone through at least a year of Cadre, over half two years. With another 70-80 new Cadre members expected this year (35-40 in each of the two new groups), it will bring the total up to around a 270. Nearly 90% of this year's first class indicated they wanted to do a second year. If that plays out, we might have to do two second year Cadres (vs. the normal one) as well ... should be interesting. I don't have to do anything with Cadre this week, just make sure the girls are getting the nomination and acceptance boxes out. I will always heart the Cadre.

7. TECH SUPERVISOR. I provide a little, and I do mean little, oversight to the boys in the tech area. I love these guys, they're like lil brothers. Basically I'm helping them learn what to say "yes and no to" and to develop teams in order to get their priorities accomplished. They're so good, they used to just say yes to everyone and it resulted in a lot of dropped balls. They are fun and we are a fun team. Plus, I help get them some of the stuff they need ... that makes them real happy. However, we've been CRAZY busy doing a gazillion other things and haven't had time to meet weekly like normal. Hopefully, we'll slip in a lunch this week. Especially since one of them got engaged tonight and we need to celebrate ... as well as knock out some important stuff ... like how to back up one very vulnerable server.

With all that swirling in my head, no wonder I can't sleep tonight.

Are you too busy?

Jeanne shared this story this morning in church today.

The picture above was taken by Kevin Carter in 1990, a freelance photographer whose pictures appeared in Newsweek, Time Magazine and US World. While out on assignment in the Sudan, Kevin walked upon this three year girl who was crawling on her hands and feet towards the medical and feeding station just one kilometer away. Behind this little girl, a vulture waits.

The story goes that he snapped the picture and jumped quickly into his jeep and sped off to his next appointment. Tragically, his next appointment was only four minutes away. But in the midst of his busyness, he didn't think he had enough time to do anything to help the little girl.

When Kevin arrived back to America and had the photograph developed. The picture of the girl and vulture appeared in magazines and newspapers across the country. It captured the essence of the tragedy in Sudan. Kevin eventually went on to win a Pulitzer Prize for the picture.

This story, however, has a tragic ending. Only a few months after receiving the Pulitzer Price, Kevin continued to be haunted by the fact he had done nothing to help the dying little girl. The traumatizing thoughts and images tormented him so deeply that he ended his on life.

Now, that's what the story says, but who knows if that's exactly the way it goes ... stories get so twisted on the internet. Maybe it wasn't the little girl, but simply the result of the countless scenes of horror that he captured through the years of being an acclaimed photographer that made him want to end his life. Regardless, the picture is priceless and begs the question, "Are you one who will simply walk on by those who are physically or spiritually hurting and/or dying ... or will you simply walk on by? My personal, honest, answer to that question ... both, depending on the day. My prayer is that God would give me eyes to see, ears to hear and a heart that acts. He's still working on me.

I love you.